Its been three weeks since we got back from serving in Zambia with Anba Boules, and i cant put my finger on what happened or even how I feel about it. Everytime Ive tried to process in my head what happened, or write down the things I want to remember, or comprehend the events that when on, my head just kinda says “System Crash” and goes into this mode of “I want to go back”.
The Holy Spirit said something through Mina Attawa to all of us, but specifically to me. He said that we spend to much time trying to explain God, and not enough just spending time with Him. The past couple days, Ive been excited to blog my first Quiet Time Meditation, but I didnt get something deep or profound out of the passege yesterday or today. In fact, I sat there looking at St. Pauls writing style. So I picked up a book I stared reading in Africa, Orthodox Prayer Life. For some reason, I read the last chapter, an Epilouge by the Author, Matthew the Poor. It read…
“It is a fellowship of life and love in the warmth of prayer in the Spirit. It is the Spirit who covers us and swalllows up a little of our darkness so we may feel, touch, and see what is invisible. This is what filled the apostle’s heart with joy. So thoroughly taken by it, he was compelled to share it with us so we may take part in such a joy and fill up the measure of our inheritance in the Beloved”
Two words stick out to me – prayer and joy. One of the major struggles I had over there was finding the joy in my faith. I had found disipline, rules, frustrations, and commitments, but very little joy. Why? One night over there, it drove me to tears. Where was the promised joy? What I found myself stuck in was that i was delving into explaining God, logic – ing everything out, not delving into God. This passage reminded me of what Mina said to us, about spending time with God in prayer, but even more of the joy each one of us had in our hearts after a couple hours of talking with others about Christ, or a prayer meeting, or some fellowship with some of the deacons. My mind is still in a I want to go back mode, but my heart is a lot better off after remembering its source of joy – not just in the knowledge and understanding, but in spending time with God, as a child with his Father.
