Joy THEN Mission vs Joy IN Mission

I was reading all the blogs of the group of missionaries in Mexico, and I got this giddy feeling, something I had to share.  I forever mentally fight with God about the joy we have in Christianity, constantly nagging, “where is it, where is it”.  God has answered my on multiple occasions, but being as stuborn as I am, I somehow always return to this question in an immature manner.  Abouna Bishoy said in a sermon that we dont forget what we teach someone else, that we feel an ownership to that knowlede, so here goes nothing.

I remembered Africa where I did the same thing – truly chalenge God to give me this joy, and i remembered saying how can I preach to these people about the joy I have in Christ if I don’t have it, or can’t recognize it, or whatever.  That day, I went to Anba Boules and told him, “Sayedna, I dont think I should go out today.”  Sayedna, in the wisdom provided to him by God, said go with them.  Going into the preachings, I had kind of decided that I wouldnt speak, that I would just observe and watch God work through those around me, trying to scope it out, find what there source of joy was.

Well, that lasted until we got to the site, then went out of the window.  In speaking with my brothers and sisters, we shared the good news with others and spoke about the great things Christ had done for our group, and whatever was on our hearts.  The funny part – come the end of the day, walking back into the church, I had the greatest joy in my heart that I have ever experianced.

The lesson Im trying to put in writing for myself more than anyone else, is that our source of joy is in the mission, but we are always fearful or whatever to start.  Then we put things to God, things that are extremely logical questions in our eyes, such as not preaching without seeing the joy.  But its a trap that we get stuck in, a pitfall from our enemies.  Just break the cycle, and we receive our joy in mission, in preashing Christs ressurection from the dead and ascension to the heavens.

The Mission in Jerusalem

This past Friday, my roommate came with me to a bible study at the church in Queens. He’s the one that actually initiated it, I mean I had seen him at a couple of the meetings of the Christian Organization at Stevens (my college) and we had had multiple conversations about Christianity and the lost arc, and because our church is in a fast for the apostles, he noticed that my eating habits were different, but he bluntly came up to me and said, “I’d really like to go to church with you sometime.” I didn’t want to be overly anxious or anything, but our church is a very traditional church, so we agreed that we would go to a Friday night bible study. This bible study let me tell you, is one of the greatest treasures of New York, so I was confident about it. At this point, I should mention that my roommate is one of the most educated and well read people I have ever met, and we had discussed many times Christianity in a very scholarly manner.

Personally, in my time in Africa, God revealed how I was taking my faith in a very scholarly fashion: I was reading books, attending bible studies, learning hymnology – learning about God. But that wasn’t enough – in fact, it didn’t count for anything in the mission. The only thing that was beneficial was just to spend time with God, and to open my heart to earnestly seek Him. This was something that I struggled with the entire time in Africa and afterward. It is ironic how God uses others in our lives and us in the lives of others. It wasn’t until after Africa, when I started rooming, that it started to make sense. The knowledge isn’t bad, in fact, its necessary, but the knowledge itself produces no fruit – in fact, it produces frustration and hardness of heart. It’s like what St. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 2 – that we must be the fragrance of the knowledge of Christ.

But anyways, near the end of the bible study, my friend had questions that him and I had discussed, but he continued to struggle with, that were hindering him from really selling out for Christ. So he asked these questions, questions that probably have hindered many Christians that we are afraid to ask for fear of their not being an answer. Our priest answered these questions with the most confident, clear, and logical answers that I have ever heard, and even though my roommate is still doubtful, the answer for those questions strengthened me and everyone else who was there, to stop the seeds of doubt from growing into trees that harden our hearts. It also made me realize another trick of the adversary, to make us fearful of not finding an answer, to prey on our faintness of heart and faith – but we need to test our faith, to go to God expecting an active response, because our God is not a dead God or one that has left, but one actively and continually giving us grace to spend time with Him and receive power through His son, Jesus Christ. That is the way to prove our faith and to show it to others, not through endless arguments of human logic.

Post – Africa

Its been three weeks since we got back from serving in Zambia with Anba Boules, and i cant put my finger on what happened or even how I feel about it. Everytime Ive tried to process in my head what happened, or write down the things I want to remember, or comprehend the events that when on, my head just kinda says “System Crash” and goes into this mode of “I want to go back”.

The Holy Spirit said something through Mina Attawa to all of us, but specifically to me. He said that we spend to much time trying to explain God, and not enough just spending time with Him. The past couple days, Ive been excited to blog my first Quiet Time Meditation, but I didnt get something deep or profound out of the passege yesterday or today. In fact, I sat there looking at St. Pauls writing style. So I picked up a book I stared reading in Africa, Orthodox Prayer Life. For some reason, I read the last chapter, an Epilouge by the Author, Matthew the Poor. It read…

“It is a fellowship of life and love in the warmth of prayer in the Spirit. It is the Spirit who covers us and swalllows up a little of our darkness so we may feel, touch, and see what is invisible. This is what filled the apostle’s heart with joy. So thoroughly taken by it, he was compelled to share it with us so we may take part in such a joy and fill up the measure of our inheritance in the Beloved”

Two words stick out to me – prayer and joy. One of the major struggles I had over there was finding the joy in my faith. I had found disipline, rules, frustrations, and commitments, but very little joy. Why? One night over there, it drove me to tears. Where was the promised joy? What I found myself stuck in was that i was delving into explaining God, logic – ing everything out, not delving into God. This passage reminded me of what Mina said to us, about spending time with God in prayer, but even more of the joy each one of us had in our hearts after a couple hours of talking with others about Christ, or a prayer meeting, or some fellowship with some of the deacons. My mind is still in a I want to go back mode, but my heart is a lot better off after remembering its source of joy – not just in the knowledge and understanding, but in spending time with God, as a child with his Father.